i don't want to think. don't let it happen

because i don't think you understand or want to listen to this one.

so. . .
it's the first part where we don't sync up. i can ignore it and rinse and repeat things like i did with chris.

i don't want to think.

What if we're nothing more than brainless blips? and if we are actually more, then isn't it obvious Whose responsible?

and I want to go home.

I want to be rid of this place. I want to go home to Him. I love him more than you. I do. boil it down and i do.

I just didn't htink i'd be making that choice again.

letting the words simply escape from my brain onto a page of some form

some written proof that they were thoughts composed in my head

it comes out in a mix of code, numbers, dramatacies and fun times!

so here's one:

Numbers

 

number one: tell them I love them

number 21: terror

undulate through the ages, through the emotions

and goals and maybe even the loves gained and lost

then twenty nine to equal 11 when I

made that first incision in my skin

O the confusion! eleven in its 1 past ten

my favorite number so my kids

believe me I’ve tried! I’ve

bent over backwards and forwards and then

twelve, 12, thirteen and so on

 

the anger pierces through me, forcing the organ in my

chest

to bleed onto that shirt that cost too much

10. 29. oh ate me like a tsunami of safety

swept me to an unfamiliar shore

that eye can’t find on a map

 

12, I’ll cling onto that eve of twelve

yes eleven. 11. how perfect you are and were and shall forever be.

 

One and one shall stand next to each other.

What strength and resonance we have in numbers!

and two:
Some nights I want to just scream at the stars
     Why can't you simply fix it?
     Why does it still hurt?
     Why does it resonate and echo off of the jagged corners of my heart
     and reverberate and crash into tiny pieces
     like shattered crystal, bedazzling the dance floor
     only to engrave itself onto my palms and reshape what once was once again
     to reform and rebuild a new stranger
          to replace this broken one
Why can't you simply fix it?

there's a desperate self deprecating abuse i'm willing to take.

there's a decent amount of self injury i'll endure.

there's a lot of mind fucks i'll tolerate.

i ignore problems.

this time i'll change. i said i would haha.

i'll hurt myself before i hurt you. this will in turn hurt you. i will turn myself into a weapon because i don't know how to detach my heart from the gun that's willing to shoot right through me to get you.

i'll make this all a beautiful disaster and remember that things will always be fucked up.

i can't listen to something about us without thinking of you these days

and i know you don't feel the same

so i'll try to sync my feelings up with yours

and these will fade with time

feelings: harbored
action: moving on

i didn't want to. i didn't want to give up.

now for my sake i will

i feel like i'm getting pulled and pushed in between two hells of screwed up people that are just not right for me.

or maybe one is right, but he's so bloody scared of the possibility that it's a moot point

no no. as is, neither are right for me

as is. focus on the as is...

because as is will get you through tomorrow. as is will help you sleep tonight. as is will remind you that time isn't going to cater to hope.

but you quit your job today... because he told you it was the right thing to do.

some days i really wonder if you really think about me. if i left, would you really fall apart like you say you would? if i stopped loving, stopped caring, stopped trying, stopped waiting and stopped being me... would it really matter enough to make you do something? a part of me is asking this out of insecurity, but another part is asking out of honesty. do i really matter to you, love? do you really give a damn about what i think or what i want to say? or was i only convenient then...

you say you break people unintentionally-- lead em on and what not-- so why do i think i'm special and why am i having a kill bill moment of "but i didn't think you would do it to me"?

are you drinking juice? are you buying it yourself?

are you washing your dishes?

are you changing the cat litter and vacuuming?

do you realize that this is the nonsense i think about? when i said i didn't want to miss you, i meant that i didn't want to think about you this much because it just leaves me feeling really stupid because i KNOW you don't feel nearly the same.

you don't know how to take care of me; hell, you barely know how to take care of yourself.

so why does a part of me desperately hope you will?

why do i need you of all people?

third time may be the charm

but a part of me really does not think there will be a third chance.

i won't place any pressure on you. but just so you know, i'm ready.

all i can think about at this moment is rushing back to school.

I'm trying desperately hard to not fall apart, love. I swear it.  I want to be stronger for... you.

which is wrong. I should want to be stronger for me. I should want to actually take this and move on and not change and everything along those lines.

but like a mirror that just got a tiny rock lodged into it, the lines will slowly grow and permeate surfaces of me that i never wanted to be broken.

but they will be. they will crack and i will have to move somewhere else where some form of my identity can shine through unchanged and unmarred by lines of hypocrisy, self righteousness, and desire. I will have to leave eventually so everything i show isn't fractured or fake.

i will fall apart. but not for you to see, love. i will fall apart alone, with a self implosion, like always.

this too shall pass. i will survive.

and there will be no fireworks or explosions or anything fancy. it'll just be a quiet disappearing of the current me. an evolution perhaps.

and i will be gone before you know it.

There was once a rose
Set sealed in a box
Waiting just in case
A lady would come
And breathe life into
Its drying leaves and
Drip blood to feed its
Unsatisfied need
For attention and
Passion and maybe
A little bit of
Misplaced affection
So maybe it could
Find value in self
In not one or two
Maybe three or four
Kisses in the night
Or a secret hushed
Between a mustered
Sigh or a slipped breath
Mistaken for a
Cry of desperate
Longing and lustful
Ferocity with
Nothing left but a
Broken reflection
Of what once was when
Things were simpler
And life was easy
In its sheltered box
Untouchable and
Unattainable
And alone, lonely

*every line is five syllables because 5 means a lot to me*